Monday, February 10, 2014

Learning to let go, and taking ownership of what I can control.

These last few weeks have been really hard for me.  I went from the idyllic lazy world of Disney vacation to the hectic, crazy life of a high school teacher.  Not to mention, I'm in charge of planning the only all school formal dance which is on February 7th AND I've run into countless problems with new maintenance, organizing volunteers, and just having to make so many god damn decisions, I came real close to a full mental breakdown.  I had a mini one in front of my administration, but hearing their support of me really helped prevent it from being a full blown crazy one.  Oh and to top everything off, I was in a play and I'm stage managing another play. Their came a point where I was like something had to give.  I cut out what I could, and that was basically the play I was (Vagina Monolgues at Pacifica Spindrift Players) but I couldn't quit on my other responsibilities.  I had to do deal with the dance because it was my job and I had to continue to stage manage because people depended on me.

Needless to say, I felt like my life was spinning out of control.  I wasn't eating regularly and when I was eating, I was pigging out on comfort foods.  When I say comfort food, I really mean junk food like soda and chocolate cake.  They did wonders to soothe the rage, but then I started feeling guilty for eating them, feeling like I had let my stress get the better of me and make the decision for me.  I ate them to feel happy and I was just spiralling deeper into sadness because of it.  I was becoming irritable, easy to snap, and just not a happy person.  Because I was stressed out, I noticed that my formal committee girls were getting stressed and my students were stressed and it just amplified.

Then I re-watched Frozen and during the song Let it Go, I realized that I was allowing the small stuff to affect me WAY too much and I just needed to let it go.  Yes, the new maintance requirements put a damper on our decorations, but instead of getting upset and frustrated, I needed to come up with solutions to make it work.  Yes, commuting up to Pacifica Monday-Thursday is a huge time suck, but I actually get a lot of work done during the rehearsals that I wouldn't normally get at home.  Yes, I made some bad food choices, but they made me happy and I CHOSE to eat them.  I have total control over my food consumption and my exercise level.  There is nothing holding me at gun point or holding me back.  I have complete control over that and I need to take ownership over it.  The best thing I can do when I make the decision to drink soda or eat chocolate cake is to not feel guilty about it.  I can recognize that I shouldn't eat it all the time, but there are going to be some moments in your life where you just want to be happy and sometimes cake is the only thing that will do it. 
This is why I can't do any work at home!
Post-Script: So the dance was a total success and I was able to make it so the girls on my board also had a great time.  By not freaking out and stressing about the small stuff we were set-up WAY ahead of time and we cleaned-up in record time.  When all else fails, Let it Go! 

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